If your son or daughter were being bullied, would you want them to fight back or be a Doorman? Note: I did not say Door-mat!
What behavior and morals do you want for your child to choose? What do you expect of them as they mature and grow into adulthood? Do you want them to be selfish or selfless?
Much research has been done in the field of selfishness and it shows that it is becoming more and more pervasive in our culture. One study suggests that Individualism is on the rise globally, especially in the greater social-economic developing countries(i). Though we are faced with the realities of the suffering of others, we are still focused on our own needs, comforts, and desires. And with the advancement of technology we are required to put very little effort into the developing of relationships.
"Something so simple like opening doors gives people hope that people care" -Josh Yandt
Though the trends are very concerning, I am not dissuaded from the challenge of raising my own children to be healing contributors to humanity. If you do a quick search for suggestions to teaching empathy, you will find a basic and encouraging answer: Live and nurture a compassionate lifestyle.
Be an example! This is the answer you get from PhD's, psychologists and professional counselors, let alone those who have raised beautiful souls, full of altruism. Here is an excerpt from one professional:
"You send the most powerful messages about compassion to your children by living and expressing those messages in your own life. If you lead a compassionate life, your children will get this message frequently and consistently, and will likely internalize it in their own lives." (ii)
Recently, researchers have shown that, by publishing the photos of, and stating the names of the individuals who are committing the acts of violence, we are creating "delusions of grandeur", by giving them an audience and fame, they are receiving the attention they desperately desire.(iii) Whether the attention is positively or negatively derived, it is still attention, and all of us crave it.
I do not want to address all of the debates that revolve around these tragedies, but I will suggest that by doing a little searching and study on the topic, you will be led to realize we are letting our kids, not just our biological kids, but those in our schools and neighborhoods, slip through the cracks and disappear via a body bag or by the penile system. They are our kids, we must own them, inspire them, and teach them by our actions, the behavior we so desperately need to survive as a society.
If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa
To me the research shows that when we focus on good behavior we are drawing away from and discouraging the negative. I have seen this in the lives of my own children. Because I am an authoritarian by nature I tend to correct the misbehaving child vs, showing empathy for the hurt child. I became painfully aware of this a few months ago as my wife and I were discussing how to deal with some very specific behavior from one of our kids. I have been experimenting since then with showing concentrated compassion - with the exception of the more extreme behavior I might add. We are not through the woods, but it feels to me that our child has matured by an entire year over the past few weeks. This might seem overly stated, but I can't tell you what a difference it has made for everyone in our home.
This brings me to a young man named Josh Yandt. He was fatherless, had a trashed self-esteem and was being bullied when he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore and would to do something about it. I do not know all of the thoughts that went through his mind, what options he gave himself, but I do know from his story what he did do. After starting at a new school he decided to open doors for for his classmates, sometimes for 20 minutes at a time. This small gesture that had a big impact.
So, to practice what we are preaching today, here is a short clip of Josh to help turn the the spotlight on good behavior. Sit back and be Instigated:
To contact or follow Josh:
Twitter: https://twitter.com/doormanjosh
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doormanjosh/ or @doormanjosh
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/josh.yandt94
Additional resources and sources:
Responding to Aggressive and Violent Behavior - Karyn Purvis
https://vimeo.com/44089427
(i) Santos, H.C., Varnum, M.E.W., & Grossmann, I. (2017). Global increases in individualism. Psychological Science (published on-line, July 13, 2017).
(ii) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201407/5-ways-
instill-compassion-in-your-children
(iii) Adam Lankford, ”Fame-seeking rampage shooters: Initial findings and empirical predictions,” Aggression and Violent Behavior 27 (2016) 122-129.
Comments